I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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