Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The adults are the big ones right?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
