Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize