Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
