Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
