WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize