i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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