i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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