im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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