He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
