Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Who died my cat blue again?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
