I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
this just has baby written all over it
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So much Jack, so little girl.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize