I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i would one night stand the shit outta him
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
