Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Two words: nipple clamps
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