End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
