Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
