someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
