Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
