I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
