I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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