just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
