Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize