Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
