I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
