Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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