I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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