i can't believe i had my finger in that
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
