i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
