I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
