I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
