I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
