Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
