Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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