Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
