a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
