HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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