every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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