i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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