did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
