Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
