My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
