does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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