i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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