My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
