My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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