Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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