If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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