I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
