that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
