he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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