I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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