did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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