you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
how do flat chested girls get laid?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
