oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
