if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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