mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
